Into the Darkness With You
by owlwayssandforever
Summary: A disastrous break up. An unexpected visitor. A hidden truth. And a reunion that forces it all into the open.
1. 1 Burn Us to the Ground

This is the first part of a Secret Story present for the most wonderful V. Sourweather! I hope you like it my dear!

Prompts: [genre] angst; [dialogue] "You told me you love me. Was that a lie too?"; [pairing] SiriusRemus

IPC: [dialogue] "Could you do me a solid and not finish that sentence? I'm really not in the mood for anything you have to say right now."

* * *

_o . o . o_

* * *

_Can you just lie to me  
And ruin these memories  
_'_Cause I've gotta forget somehow  
So I'm begging you, burn us to the ground_

Remus slammed the door behind him as he entered his little flat. This was inexcusable. He'd been worried and suspicious for weeks, but he kept telling himself that he was wrong, that there had to be some explanation. But now that he'd had his worst fears confirmed, he knew that there was nothing that could make this right.

Sirius opened the door quietly, as if he were trying to sneak in. Remus caught a glimpse of the look on his face, and his expression was sheepish. God that was annoying. Couldn't he look more… what did it matter? Any expression would be infuriating.

"Remus, you have to listen to me," Sirius pleaded as Remus paced back and forth across the old wood floors. "It's not what you -"

"Could you do me a solid and not finish that sentence? I'm really not in the mood for anything you have to say right now," Remus snapped, positively livid. Sirius' words were so cliche.

There was quiet for a moment, during which Remus felt his fury boiling. How could Sirius do this to him? Where had they gone so wrong in their relationship?

"Are you just going to be mad at me for something that isn't true?" Sirius asked, sighing heavily like he was getting angry too. That would be typical of Sirius though, playing the victim was he was the one inflicting pain on everyone else.

"How could it not be true, Sirius?" Remus yelled, anger fit to burst out of him. "I saw you with my own two eyes! God, every word out of your mouth is a lie!" Remus froze as a horrific thought enveloped him. "Oh my god."

"No," Sirius denied, already knowing where Remus' thoughts were headed.

"You told me you love me. Was that a lie too?" Remus accused, feeling sick even as he said the words aloud.

"_No_," Sirius answered emphatically. He didn't ever want Remus to think that any part of their relationship had been a lie.

"Just get out," Remus snapped, closing his eyes with his back turned toward his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. "Please, Sirius, just go. I can't look at you, I can't be near you. Just knowing that you're here is excruciating."

There was silence throughout the flat as the two men stood their ground. Sirius desperately wanted to explain, to tell Remus what happened, but he knew he couldn't. And besides, as awful as this was, maybe it was better in a way. Wasn't it easier for Remus to hate him, rather than hear that Sirius had simply fallen in love with someone else, someone who needed him more. Taking a deep breath, Sirius turned and left quietly.

Remus finally exhaled once he heard the door shut behind Sirius. His entire body relaxed, his shoulders slumping before he completely collapsed onto the old worn out sofa. The awful truth was that he wasn't terribly surprised. He'd been friends with Sirius since they were children, and in school Sirius had never put much stock in the idea of fidelity. But Remus had thought he'd grown out of that, or at least that things were different between them. He'd thought their relationship was special. Never had been so embarrassed to be wrong.

Remus flicked on the television, desperate to find something to distract him from the pain of having his heart ripped in two. But every channel he checked was filled with love stories inspired by the holidays. Remus wanted to gag. Where were the movies about being cheated on by your best friend after he persuaded you for so long that he'd be different this time? Where were the movies about being alone for the holidays because you had no family and all your friends were gone? No, there were none of those on tv today.

He looked over at the little Christmas tree that he and Sirius and picked out together - it was really more like a little tree shaped bush, only about three feet high, but it was a small apartment. Suddenly, Remus felt unbearably sad, and not just because he was hurting. He didn't want to spend the holidays surrounded by all these reminders of the man who had just broken his heart. He needed to get away and be somewhere else. Anywhere but this stupid little apartment. Hell, anywhere but London.

Remus grabbed his laptop and began googling. Paris? No, Sirius had always dreamed of taking him there. They hadn't even been and already the memories felt tainted. Madrid? Too warm. New York? Too far. Berlin? Too… cold. Flying was too expensive anyway, and besides, none of these places solved the problem of being alone. Remus was struck with another, far more appealing idea (at least in most ways). He grabbed his phone and immediately began tapping out a message to James.

_Sirius and I are over. Can I come stay at yours for a bit?_

Only about twenty minutes passed before James sent back his reply.

_Absolutely, mate! We can have the room ready for you tomorrow if you like._

Remus smiled and immediately booked a train to Aberdeen the next day. He hated that his friends lived so far away, but James had been offered a good job with Aberdeen F.C., and Lily hoped she would be able to teach at the university when the next academic year began. He knew it was hard for James too, Scotland was never what he hoped for. The Potters were a big name in the football world - James' father and grandfather had both played in the Premier League and his grandfather had made the England team for a few years. James had long been hoping to follow in their footsteps, but he'd blown out his knee badly a few years back, so now he was working his way up the ranks of management. Sometimes Remus wondered if it was harder that way, always being so close but never able to play, than if James had just made a clean break. But it wasn't his life or his choice, so all he could do was miss his friend from afar.

With a sigh, Remus got off the couch and began packing his suitcase. He paused to fire off a quick email to his boss. He knew Kingsley wouldn't mind a bit, Remus had chosen this job specifically for the teleworking possibilities. Although he didn't particularly relish the idea of telling James and Lily the full story of what had happened, getting away from London felt suddenly very freeing. He didn't really have a clear idea of how long he would stay in Aberdeen, but at that moment he felt like he would move there permanently if it meant never seeing Sirius again.


	2. 2 No Right to Love You

Prompts: [genre] romance; [action] holding hands; [trope] sharing a bed; [word] generous

IPC: 791 - [trope] sharing a bed

* * *

o . o . o

* * *

_I have no right to love you  
But I do, I still do  
Yeah, I still do_

It was probably a stupid idea, but Remus just couldn't bear the thought of spending Christmas in London on his own. They often joked that their group was a band of orphans, since none of them had parents. Remus' mother had died in childbirth, and his father had been the victim of a robbery five years earlier. Sirius' parents had disowned him when his was sixteen, and he'd spent some time living on the street before he'd found James and a home with the Potters. James' family was the most bizarre - three years ago they had both passed away quietly in their sleep, even holding hands. The doctors said it seemed as though it had been natural causes, almost like they had died of old age even though they were only fifty-nine. Peter's story was tragic - his mother had run off when he was five, and his father decided he couldn't handle a child on his own and had left him in an orphanage. Lily's mum had been killed in a car accident, and she and her father had been estranged for some time. Since they had all been on their own for some time, they'd spent holidays together partying in London, or later on doing all the traditional things. Lily and James had moved up north earlier in the year to prepare for the arrival of their son, so it was the first year that they were all doing their own thing for the holidays. Remus had planned to spend it cozied up to Sirius, just a relaxing few days in front of the fake fireplace sipping hot chocolate and hopefully watching the snow fall. But now all that had been thrown out the window, and Remus couldn't stand the thought of being alone.

He stepped off the train and found James waiting in the parking lot, sitting on the hood of his little powder blue car. Snow was falling on top of a foot-deep blanket that was already covering everything, and little flecks of it were peppering James' black hair.

"Welcome, mate!" James greeted cheerfully as soon as he laid eyes on his friend.

"Why are you waiting outside, you bloody idiot?" Remus teased, hugging James as soon as he was within reach.

James helped him get his things in the trunk, and then they both jumped in the car, sighing as the warm air danced over their skin. James quickly put the car in drive and set off towards his house.

"I have to warn you," he said, glancing over at Remus, "Lily is bloody furious with Sirius. I know you haven't said what's gone on, but Lily's on your side no matter what. I reckon she'll tear Sirius' head off if you say the word, and she's got those mum instincts now, so she could do it."

"And you?" Remus asked, fully aware that James had only mentioned Lily's anger.

"I…"

"It's okay," Remus said, although he felt a bit downtrodden. Sometimes it bothered him, playing second fiddle to Sirius when it came to James. "I get it."

"Look, it's hard for me to be angry with him when I don't know what he's done," James replied quickly, trying to salvage the conversation. "It doesn't mean I won't be on your side through all of this. But this friendship, it's pretty close to unconditional…"

"There's nothing that would make you cut him out of your life," Remus nodded, though he stared out the window and tried to pretend that he didn't wish James would just cut Sirius off.

"There's nothing _either of you_ could do," James insisted, looking at Remus quite intently. "If things were reversed, I would tell him the exact same thing."

"Okay," Remus allowed, letting go of any disappointment he felt. There was no changing the way things were, so it was best to just get on with it.

"It might not be the relaxing holiday you were hoping for," James said on a lighter note. "Harry's decided that any time not spent screaming bloody murder is time wasted."

"Maybe he just needs his Uncle Remus."

"Well if that's the case, he's all yours," James quipped, and both men grinned widely.

Just then, James slowed and turned into the driveway of a sweet little cottage house. There was a low fence that went around the yard, and stone pathways from the gate and the driveway up to the crimson front door. An ornate green wreath with white flowers hung in the middle, and Remus couldn't help but note that it made for a lovely sight. Picture perfect. James helped him pull his things from the trunk of the car and haul them through the front door, both of them shaking snow from their hair as they crossed the lintel.

"Remus!" Lily nearly shrieked, dropping her voice to a hush at the last moment. She bounded toward him and enveloped him in a warm hug that immediately made him feel a bit better. "I'm so glad you've decided to spend the holidays with us."

"Certainly beats being alone," Remus replied, trying not to sound as bitter as he felt.

"He's an arse, Ree, you're better off without him," Lily stated, squeezing his shoulder.

He didn't miss the look she flashed James over his shoulder, and Remus wondered if the situation wasn't creating some kind of conflict between the two of them as well. Remus knew that James would never turn his back on Sirius, but maybe Lily didn't have that same undying loyalty. He doubted that she would really cast Sirius out of their friend group either, but she sure could hold a very punishing grudge when she wanted to. Something she had learned from her sister.

"I just needed to get away for a little bit," Remus said at last, offering Lily a halfhearted smile. "Get some space so I can move on."

"Of course," she replied with a sympathetic look. "Stay as long as you want, you're always welcome here."

Lily insisted on giving Remus a tour of their house, which was bigger than he had expected, although nothing grand. There was a cozy little sitting room that had been decorated with all kinds of warm, plush fabrics, and a crackling fireplace. The kitchen was cute and had a vintage feel to it, although apparently Lily wanted to update it at some point. Their dining room was the fanciest part of the house, with furniture and china that Remus knew they had been gifted for their wedding, and he would be surprised if they ate there for anything other than holidays. Upstairs there were three bedrooms, one for James and Lily, a nursery for Harry, and a guest room. Remus dropped his suitcase in the room and took a minute to wash his face and collect himself before returning downstairs. He was ready to be in the holiday spirit, to relax and enjoy his time with the little Potter family.

o . o . o

The first week that he was with Lily and James was absolutely wonderful. Remus loved being reunited with his friends, and their son was cuter than most babies (although it was possible that he was slightly biased). He liked playing with the five-month-old, making silly faces and such. It was exactly the peaceful vacation he had been hoping for. And then his stomach dropped one night when there was a knock on the door soon after dinner.

Could Sirius have come after him? It wouldn't have been hard to find him, Remus had to be honest with himself. James and Lily exchanged curious looks with each other - clearly neither of them was expecting company either. James stood and crossed the room to answer the door. Remus' stomach twisted anxiously as James pulled open the door, a gust of cold air whipping through the house.

"Tonks!" James gasped, his face lighting up at the young woman who was shivering outside. "Come in, it's freezing!"

He ushered her in, and she took off her hat, revealing a bubblegum pink pixie cut. Snow clung to her skin like white freckles and peppered her green utility jacket. Her appearance boasted self-confidence, but she seemed a bit shy as she followed James into the sitting room. Remus watched in amusement as her foot caught on the corner of the rug, tripping her up, and she tried to reach out and steady herself, finding only a pile of books on the end table, which toppled loudly to the floor. Harry blinked his eyes open, looking up at Lily as if he was incredulous that she dared disturb his sleep.

"Remus, this is Tonks, she's a cousin of sorts," James said, motioning between them. "Remus is one of my best friends from school."

"Seems odd that we haven't met before," Remus remarked in an offhand way. Tonks seemed to bristle at the suggestion that she was somehow not important to James.

"I lived abroad for a while," she said defensively, her cheeks turning a shade of pink to match her hair.

"Right, well," James interrupted, eager to keep the peace. "What brings you here, Tonks?"

"I was hoping I could stay with you for a bit?" she answered, looking a bit sheepish. "Mum's decided that this is the Christmas she's going to reconcile with her sisters, but I'm pretty sure Auntie Cissa still hates me for breaking that antique vase when I was five, and I don't think Aunt Bella will ever forgive me for daring to be born to a lowly printer, so I think it's best that I stay away. In all honesty, I'm not sure what Mum thinks she's going to achieve, but there was no talking her out of it."

"God, that sounds awful," James replied, plopping back down on the couch next to Lily, and quickly kissing her temple. "Well of course you can crash here for the holidays. But I think someone'll have to take the couch. We converted the other bedroom to a nursery for Harry, so we just have the one guest room now."

"That's fine, I'll sleep on the couch, it's no problem," Remus answered quickly, though he privately felt a bit miffed.

"I can sleep on the couch, I just showed up uninvited after all," Tonks said at the same time, and they both turned to look at each other.

"Well, you two figure it out amongst yourselves," Lily grinned, giving James a significant look. "We better get this little reindeer to sleep."

She excused herself, practically dragging James behind her and leaving Remus and Tonks sitting in an uncomfortable silence.

"I really don't mind sleeping on the couch," he said after a long moment. "You should take the bedroom."

"Don't be silly, there's no reason we can't share," Tonks objected. "It's freezing down here once they douse the fire. Trust me, I would know."

Remus thought longingly of the little space heater that was in the guest room. Tonks was right, the downstairs was absolutely frigid.

"I'll be fine, there's plenty of blankets," he insisted, determined to be the gentleman.

"Alright, suit yourself," she shrugged, standing from the couch and crossing to the stairs. "But don't come crawling to me when you're freezing at two in the morning." She paused and looked him up and down, a mischievous look crossing her face. "Or do, I could think of worse things."

Remus blushed furiously as she chuckled and climbed the stairs.

By the time the clock struck 3 in the morning, Remus was shivering under the three blankets he had been able to find, despite his heavy sweatpants. Evidently he had completely underestimated how cold it could be up north at night. Tonks' offer was beginning to sound more and more generous by the second. He hated himself for thinking about it, but he really couldn't stand the cold anymore.

Quietly, Remus pushed himself up, ignoring the creaking in his joints, and tiptoed up the stairs. He knocked on the guest room door softly, pushing it open just a touch.

"Tonks?" he whispered, peering through the little crack. He could see her curled up in a little ball on one half of the bed, her pink hair bright against the pillow. "Tonks?"

She sat up with a jolt, the comforter falling away to reveal white flannel pajamas covered in reindeer and holly sprigs, which Remus found oddly endearing. Rubbing at her eyes sleepily, she squinted at the doorway.

"James?" she mumbled, blinking rapidly.

"It's Remus," he replied, and he could see her smile at the sound of his name.

"Had a change of heart?" Tonks said in a light and teasing tone.

"Do you really not mind?" he asked, opening the door a little bit more and feeling the enticing warmth of the little heater.

"Not at all," she answered, throwing back the blanket and patting the flannel sheets next to her. "Hop on in."

Remus shut the door behind him, sighing as the warmth from the little heater wound its way around him like a thick blanket. He scooted into the bed, careful to stay on his own side and not encroach on Tonks' territory at all. She smelled like peppermint and he wondered if she was always like that or if she just had especially fragrant toothpaste.

It didn't take him long to fall asleep in the comfort of the warm room, despite his anxiety about sleeping next to a practical stranger. Remus dreamt about trying to squash Sirius with an anvil, Wile E. Coyote style, but he kept getting away with a stupid smug grin across his face, dancing just out of reach. Remus growled in frustration, running faster to try to catch up.

"Remus," a voice hissed in his ear, and he jolted awake. "Having a nice little dream there?"

He turned over to see Tonks propped up on her elbow, staring at him with an amused expression on her face.

"Sorry?" he said, unclear what she was talking about.

"You were kicking like crazy," she grinned, her eyes shining with a teasing merriment.

"Sorry," he repeated sincerely.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No, I…" Remus couldn't think clearly, let alone form words. "I just… it's been an emotional week."

"Alright, well try not to kick me anymore please," Tonks said, curling up against him and draping her arm across his chest. She wiggled a little until she was situated in the crook of his arm, her head resting on his shoulder. "Night, Remus."

"Goodnight," he whispered, barely able to get the words out. She had some kind of mental hold on him, she was enchanting.

Remus kicked himself. He'd just been cheated on, he had no right developing any kind of interest in another person. He was probably just projecting feelings or trying to get back at Sirius or some other kind of psychobabble like that. But whatever the reason, Remus couldn't deny that it felt surprisingly good to have her small frame wrapped around him, soft puffs of air on his skin with each breath she took. Remus tangled his fingers with hers on his chest and nuzzled his nose against her forehead, breathing in her sweet pepperminty smell. He drifted back off to sleep, prepared for far more pleasant dreams.


End file.
